How To Be A Perfect Console Fanboy

console fanboy

When it comes to playing games on consoles, it is incredibly important to decide which platform is best for you. Every console has its pros and cons and depending on the player, one may be more suitable than others.

Once you have invested in a console, you will eventually find yourself wanting to play a popular game that is not currently available on the console you have chosen. Purchasing more than one console is far too clever a solution to this problem. The only real solution is to build up as much rage as possible and get into illogical arguments on social media of course!

Welcome to the dawn of the fanboy. If you have just picked up your new console and are upset you can’t play a certain game, the steps below will help you express your frustration in the most childish and illogical ways possible, as per the fanboy doctrine. Pick and choose what you want from the list below as picking and changing facts that matter is core to being a fanboy.

Sales Numbers Don’t Matter…Unless The Game Sells Well On Your Console

Nobody wants to hear how well games are selling on other consoles, those stats are completely pointless and stupid. How well game has sold is not a clear indication of how good a game is. However, if an exclusive game sells incredibly well on your console, it is all the information you need to put those stupid Xbots or Ponies in their place! Everybody knows that how well a game sells is a direct indication of how good a game is. Millions of people don’t buy crappy games.

Low Sales = Failure…Only On Other Consoles

A game that does not sell well on other consoles is a total failure. Millions spent to build a game that flops and fails to make the developer any money is a huge embarrassment and a failure for the console. Surely it means that Sony or Xbox are going to be out of business by the end of the year when this happens.

Low sales are not always a bad thing, however. When a game on your console does not sell well, it just means that the developer/publisher has a plan to not pander to the broad audience. Nobody cares for gamers more than your chosen console brand does. The games they release, even when they don’t sell well are made for the gamers, no matter how small the group is.

CEO Salary and Company Profits Are Important To You

The annual turnover for Nintendo, Sony and Microsoft are all public numbers due to them being public companies. You should make sure that the profit that your company is very strong, after all the huge bonus the CEO gets will directly benefit you somehow right?!

Hardware Power Means Nothing!

The best processor, GPU and SSD speed in the world doesn’t mean a thing. Those are all stats and don’t guarantee good games. Look at all the amazing games that you can get on handheld devices. This is more than enough proof that hardware doesn’t matter. Who cares if the other consoles have slightly better specs when the specs don’t matter anyway!

Hardware Power Means Everything!

Hardware components like GPU, CPU and memory are critical when it comes to making awesome games. Beefy hardware components will always ensure that games run better on one console over the less powerful consoles, and if they don’t, it’s 100% down to lazy developers who were paid off..obviously!

If your console is the most powerful one, the generation has already been won. How can anyone even begin to compete when your console has 0.006% teraflops! What is a teraflop? Who cares, that’s for the engineers to figure out, all you know is your console is better. Also, remember though, teraflops mean nothing if the games arent fun. Pick whatever fact works best for the situation.

Other Console Exclusives Are Always Overrated

Exclusive games are old news. The only console manufacturer that understands exclusive games is yours! It’s a well-known fact they do too. Let’s face it, exclusives on the other consoles are always overhyped and overrated. It’s very obvious that they gave out review codes selectively and then paid the big websites to give them good scores.

It is a well-known fact that all journalists are corrupt, why do you think there is no proof of this? Because all of the journalists are keeping it secret! It’s a fact that is even more suppressed than Activision’s Illuminati membership. Trust nobody!

Hurt Feelings Tell 1000 Words

Just like pictures, your hurt feelings tell 1000 words. Get onto Twitter and let those words flow from the hurt within. That 90 point metacritic score is total lies and it sucks to see a game like this doing so well. It is your duty as a member of the only honest console gaming community to spread the truth and make those other console gamers see the light.

Competitor Consoles Pay For Review Scores

The only exclusive games that have a true score are the ones released on your platform because there is no corruption. This often explains why one of your exclusives doesn’t score too well. Because they refuse to buy off journalists. This is why you need to support your console even more! Buy 4, 5, 6+ copies of the same game to make sure the CEO gets a nice bonus this year.

Competitor consoles are always paying reviewers to give them good scores. When a game they release starts getting low scores, this shows how bad the game really is. Even paid, corrupt journalists couldn’t give it a good score. This is why you need to ignore all of the other games on that console that score well and focus entirely on the one game with poor reviews and pretend it is a representation of every game on that console. A small crack in the corruption showed the underbelly of how bad all the games are, make the most of it.

Online Services Only Matter When They Benefit You

Who cares how many servers the other game network has. Same for the number of games you get to access from each subscription they offer. You cant play those games on your console and that immediately means that their service is pure garbage. It doesn’t matter about how many games, how good they are or anything like that. It’s just a pointless service because it isn’t accessible to you and you need to make sure that you make those feelings known!

Feelings Are Often More Correct Than Facts

Ever hear stories about detectives who have a hunch that leads to them overturning loads of false evidence, busting the case. Gamers in particular have a very strong gut feeling that is almost always more correct than everyone else’s. You may have just picked up your first ever console, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t already know everything there is to know about gaming. Get out there and make everyone aware of your vast wealth of knowledge.

Who cares about facts from educated hardware engineers. What matters most is that your console is the best and you made the right decision. If someone hurts your feelings, makeup facts because most of the facts out there are lies anyway, you are only fighting fire with fire.

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