Local gamer Jake Patterson has discovered he is no longer eligible for a refund on a fantasy RPG he insists he has not started playing, having spent the entire session adjusting the face of an elf who has yet to acquire trousers. “I’ve literally done nothing,” said Patterson, opening his seventeenth comparison screenshot of the same jaw. “How am I supposed to know whether I like the game? I don’t even know what the combat is like.”
Patterson initially intended to make a character who looked roughly like him, a task he expected to finish before dinner. Difficulties began when moving the cheekbone slider made the nose look wrong, correcting the nose made the chin look weak, and strengthening the chin revealed that the cheekbones had been right three hours earlier.
He has since developed a system of rotating the head, squinting, moving a slider one increment and rotating the head back. Changes are periodically reversed after he looks at the character from the other side. “You have to get these things right if you’re going to be looking at him for the whole game,” he explained, referring to an adventure he intends to play with the camera behind his character.
A friend who asked whether the RPG was worth buying received a detailed explanation of its nostril controls. Patterson could not confirm whether it had multiplayer, but praised the independence of the left and right eyebrows. By the time he checked his refund eligibility, he had become financially committed to the game without learning how to walk.
He briefly considered accepting one of the preset faces, then rejected the idea on the grounds that he was “basically finished.” A further round of minor refinements produced a lavender-skinned elf with towering arched eyebrows, cheekbones wide enough to shelter his ears and a tiny pointed chin beneath an expression of unearned confidence.
“That’s basically me,” said Patterson. He has already ruled out wearing a helmet. It would hide all the work.
lmao what did i just read