In what can only be described as a groundbreaking discovery in the fields of self-delusion and predictable outcomes, local Elden Ring player Greg Henderson declared his intention to create a completely unique build. However, he has remarkably found himself right back where every other player journeys to: the land of Strength-Faith Bonk Lords.
Greg first shared his ambitious plans on Reddit, promising to craft a character so original, even Hidetaka Miyazaki would shed a single tear of joy. Equipped with spreadsheets, YouTube guide skepticism, and the determination of a just-graduated philosophy major, Greg started his quest under the firm conviction that he would “break the meta,” allegedly for real this time.
“I really wanted to explore something different, you know? Just away from the typical path where everyone seems to gravitate towards immensely large clubs and god-given lightning,” said Greg, as he summoned a Lightning Fortification spell without the hint of irony. “Unfortunately, my plan to make a ranged poison-bow assassin was… well, let’s be honest, Elden Ring had other plans.”
After what must rank as the fastest about-turn in FromSoftware history, Greg’s arcane aspirations succumbed to the sheer dopamine rush of smiting Crafty Caelid Canines with gleaming heavenly beams and colossal Thunder-Stick Smashes. His friends, also invaded by the exact same epiphany, were not one bit surprised.
“Oh, he was definitely going to end up as a walking cathedral of holy wrath,” said Tommy O’Neal, a fellow Tarnished who’s had his own annual dalliance with double greatswords. “It’s practically like trying to go to a buffet and only having the salad. Everyone knows you end up with just mashed potatoes and steak.”
When questioned about his U-turn, Greg justified the return to the age-old recipe of sanguinary divinity and raw brawn as an “unavoidable cultural touchstone,” akin to trying but invariably failing to live without Netflix for more than a weekend.
Despite this comedic backslide into what can only be called the ‘Average Joe’s Guide to Godslaying: Vol. I & II,’ Greg remains optimistic about his future builds. He has already started planning his next unorthodox attempt — a hybrid builds titled “Strength-Sorcery Sneaky Mc-Outnumbered” — which will no doubt transcend all realms of subtlety and bring further delight to the Ghost of Giants.
Meanwhile, other players worldwide can breathe easy knowing that once again, predictably unpredictable forces of game mechanics, accessibility, and, quite possibly, divine intervention have ensured another soul embraces the roundly agreed path of oversized cudgels and divine fireballs.
