Hey protect me while I put myself in unnecessary danger! We all hate the moment when we have to protect an NPC while they perform some stupid task that always happens to complete just as you kill the final enemy! Other times we get stuck with an AI partner that is just so damn stupid they can barely shoot.
It can sometimes be fun when the AI character isn’t able to die, but unfortunately the complete opposite is what we get stuck with. The bane of any gamer who wants to beat the game on a harder difficulty are the escort missions. Here are the most annoying escort missions we have ever had the misfortune of playing through in video games.
Sheva – Resident Evil 5
Sheva has nothing to do with any escort mission but it may aswell be! Like seriously..What is the deal with this chick? She seems to feel the need to get romantically involved with every zombie she comes across. You are running around the place blowing off heads being a complete badass then there is Sheva getting up close and personal with every zombie she can find. Sheva is meant to be a partner but because she was so stupid the entire game felt like it was an escort game. If she didn’t have boobs she would totally be left as zombie chow.
Little Sister – Bioshock
After searching around the labs you have finally found all the parts to make up a Big Daddy suit. The thing that makes them big daddies so tough is them damn rivet guns…but wait your a Big Daddy now so surely that means they are going to give you a rivet gun right? Wrong! Instead you get lumbered with babysitting duties.
This Mission wasn’t too difficult but when playing it on the hardest difficulty it is a total pain in the ass. No matter how many traps you set up and how many head shots you get splicers (I’m looking at you spider splicers) always find their way to the little sister. I know she is a little girl but does she have to be completely helpless? To make matters worse she takes like 5 minutes to suck the crap out of the dead splicer with that syringe. Why can’t she just give you the syringe? Id have the ADAM extracted and have the little sister tossed back into the hole in the wall just in time for dinner.
Emma Emmerich – MGS2
This mission you have to protect her as she walks along beams over the water while being attacked by flying robots and soldiers. Annoying enough of a mission for a regular game but to make life worse Emma is afraid of water so she walks like she just took a shit in her pants. You have to deal with her creeping along the beams like a snail out in the open while she gets attacked by enemies. The mission can be quite difficult if you didn’t come properly equipped and you suck with a sniper rifle. While there are some Easter eggs around to enjoy while doing the mission it doesn’t make the mission any more enjoyable.
Every Survivor – Dead Rising 2
Where do I start with this gang of misfits? None of the NPCs in this game could do anything right, there really wasn’t a decent brain between all of them put together. The game doesn’t MAKE you look after them, if they die they die but there is a trophy/achievement for getting 8 of them into a clown car and keeping them alive for long enough to do this is a challenge. They just LOOOOVE to get stuck in crowds of zombies! They follow you to an extent but if you run around a large group of zombies it doesn’t mean that they will follow. For me the most frustrating part was that if they weren’t near you when going into a new area they would get stuck in the previous area. So you could either go back and get them which means wait through another 2 lengthy load screens or just let them die (Their health drops when they aren’t with you).
Kratos’ Family – God of War
This mission wasn’t too hard but at the same time it was still very annoying. The wife and child did absolutely nothing to avoid getting attacked. They stood there in the same position for the whole battle letting enemies beat the shit out of them. At least they weren’t running around like headless chickens but they could at least try and dodge a few attacks or move closer to Kratos if he moved away from them rather than standing there like punch bags. I don’t know why Kratos wanted them back so bad, id be much happier living with a family of harpies.
Yorda – Ico
I enjoyed Ico and I know the whole point of the game is to look after the girl but god damn there were times that I just wanted to slap that bitch across the face with a stick! For most of the game she was fine to deal with but there are times where she just cant seem to manage to climb on top of a box! I have just climbed half way around the building risking my life so I can push a box for her to climb on the least she could do is climb on top of it! Part of the reason I hated her so much was that she waits around for you and you press R1 to call her but Ico doesn’t say “Come here” or “follow me!” he shouts some stupid ass sound every time. My strongest memory from playing this game is “…Deerrrrrrrrrrr!…….Deeerrrrrrrrr!”.
Bill the Wizard – Eat Lead
I know most people will have never even seen this game before but there is a mission where you have to protect some MMORPG inspired Wizard. There is just a stack of things about this part of the game that were a complete mess. First off you could hardly see any of the enemies attacking him. Second he was weak as shit. For me the most annoying was that he had about 3 lines of dialogue and kept saying them over and over…at least it felt that way as I had to repeat this mission a lot of times.
Tour Bus Escort – Brutal Legend
You have started the tour so you need to escort the tour bus to the next location, unfortunately the bus is being attacked by crazy ass bikers. The main problem with this is the bikers always focus attack on the bus so you have to kill the bikers as fast as possible since you aren’t able to distract them. You have a car that has infinite ammo but there are a LOT of bikers to deal with and you spend most of the time off-road, so unless you are good at driving you will get lost and crash quite a bit and fail the mission. If you have played this game and not failed this mission then you deserve an award!